Try lowering your voice instead of raising it. Imagine the impact on the child of hearing the parent gently say, “If the trash is not taken out in the next five minutes, I will put the video games in storage for a week.” If a parent yells this, it sounds threatening. If, on the other hand, it is said in a matter-of- fact tone, the child receives the message, “Do as you will. I’m not going to battle with you. I trust you know the consequence for not complying.”
Recognize when you are most vulnerable. If you are likely to be rushed, tired, or on edge on certain days or at certain times, this increases the chance you will get angry and reactive at those moments. What can you do to add a buffer during these times? How can reduce the stress? Will it help to wake up earlier, avoid cooking on certain nights, or tell your partner you need more of their help? Will you need to set limits in advance with your child, such as saying, ‘No TV’ or ‘No friends at the house’ dur- ing those times?
Don’t forget to breathe. When I’m angry, I hate hearing that one. But it really does work. Taking one second to breathe deeply or counting to five shifts the brain from ‘fight or flight’, to ‘focus’ (thinking of more rational responses). Remind yourself to breathe, focus attention, and to carefully think through what your reaction to stress/conflict will be.
Anticipate your child’s triggers. Oftentimes, it is possible to predict when your child will get angry. This might be on Monday morning when they have to shift away from weekend mode, on anniversaries or holidays due to the memories they raise, at bedtime, at mealtime, or when they have to do home- work. When you can anticipate these events, you are in a better position to think of how to defuse con- flict before it arises. This might include giving the child advanced notice, such as, “I know tomorrow is your brother’s birthday and it seems like that is always a rough day for you. What can we do in advance, to help make it a better day for all of us?”
Follow through afterward. Whether the conflict, power struggle, or rage episode with your child was major or minor, and whether it was expected (He always fights with me at bedtime) or unexpected, it is important to talk with your child about what happened. But do it after the tension has settled. For example, while bathing your child, tucking her in, or folding clothes together you can say, “You were really mad at me earlier when I said you couldn’t have ice cream.” Permit your child to share their thoughts or feelings, but try to educate him or her about the impact their words or actions have on others: “When you throw things like you did, it scares the dog and that’s why he doesn’t want to sleep in your bed.” “It hurt my feelings when you called me that name. Clearly, you wanted me to feel bad and you succeeded.” “That ice cream was your father’s and he had been waiting all night to have it. It’s important that we share in this family. Tomorrow, we’ll go out and buy treats that we can all have.” “I’m sorry I called you a brat. I don’t think badly of you. Your behavior makes me crazy at times, but I still think you’re the best kid in the world.”
~by Christopher J. Alexander, PhD a child psychologist, specializing in the treatment of foster and adopted children and the author of Welcome Home: A Guide for Adoptive, Foster, and Treatment Foster Parents.
This is excerpted from Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections, ©2006 EMK Press.
